Cake Eating Mother

keep calm girl

mother — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 05:57:14 +0000

i am just so aware of how i feel. On one level i am grateful for the sense of compamionship when i am with the ex boy. I listen to friends who have been on endless dates. Dates that just end with never seeing the guy again. My friends wail over the fact dates that don’t develop are exhausting and actually a waste of time…why give valuable spare time to a stranger. A stranger you neither like or have nothing in common with. My situation is different, i genuinely enjoy spending time with the ex boy. The base of our relationship is a strong sense of friendship. As much as i love spending time with him i struggle with the fact i can never see us progressing to living with him. Should that be the litmus test?. I struggle also with comments he has made to me in the past. Comments about being kept in the style to which he has become acxustomed in the event our relationship collapsed. What on earth is that all about?.
I am also too set in who i an. i am not a drinker, i need sleep, i need a degree of order and tidynesss in my everyday space . All i can do i guess is express what ican and cannot give. The ex boy is a man. he can walk away if he needs more than i can give him. All i really want from him is friendship. friendship is what we have now. I cannot ever imagine sharing his space on an everyday level. at all.

would a stronger womanhave.:

mother — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 03:47:28 +0000

would a stronger woman have been able to hide the overwhelming urge to run until after the funeral of his birth father?.
Would the atronger woman have allowed a closeness to develop until after the distant relatives had met up in a crematorium to lay to rest a stranger,who chose to live his life a recluse?.
Am i an absolute coward that i could not carry on being a friend but carry the horrible rucksack of expectation and pressure.

I hated carrying a weight of uncertainty to a place of nowhere.

It was not helping either of us. i love him but no part of me can imagine living with him. if that is true which sadly it is why should i waste our time?.

But would a stronger woman have been able to be more than me?.

Did i let him down.

I did not mean to but i had to run.

I just got so claustrophobic.

I panicked.

exhaustion

mother — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 22:01:27 +0000

this is the same old , same old. i am crying over a man. the same bloke i can’t live with, yet by the same token can’t live without.

i am mentally exhausted with the heavy questions about how i am and what i an feeling. i just want to live. live without the expectation or pressure about delivering something i am not even sure he wants. does he want to share his life?. do i want him to share my life?. it comes back to this point, how the hell can i share his life when i feel awkward and uncomfortable in his space. i know from past experience of helping to sort his garden, his personal space resumes back to a constant point of chaos. can i live with that constant battle against the tide. the answer in my heart is no. as much as i love his company, i find him attractive, being in his personal space turns me off. i get pissed off at silly things like me lying naked next to him and he gives all his attention to the paper…until i am asleep, almost asleep, and then as he has finished reading and feels horny he wants me. i maybe stupidly hormonal but i want to shout…oh fuck off, you leave me with a light on, trying to sleep,showing me absolutely no interest until you want me. and then after 45 mins of paper reading…you really expect me to welcome you with open legs. oh my god is that your idea of foreplay?.

times of change

mother — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 06:38:17 +0000

apologies reader for my bad punctuation. I write to you from a phone. life is changing all around me. I am standing still trying to figure it out, but making what my grandad said’a bloody hash of things’. The ex boy who was the ex boy became the lover and friend- but with no security of a title of …boyfriend….girlfriend….partner… For any of us. The end result was i have become discontent with the whole spectacle of standing on the sidelines waiting to be picked at random when times offered no other social outlet. I texted the ex boy on holiday and said…’enough…i am no longer prepared to be your transient standby….’ . The text came back, followed by a long phone call and he told me i am absolutely not his transient standby, the times we have together are fantastic and he wants to be with me in the long term. Bloody hell!. All this sodding time i finally get myself strong, pick up the courage to properly call it quits and then he returns my strength with this. What do i do?
The answer is i am going to do absolutely nothing. I am not going to take any action. it is the summer holiday. I am going to spend lots of time enjoying my gorgeous children and not stress by making decisions. what will be, will be

Time ticks on.

mother — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 09:20:54 +0000

The reality is that time is a great healer. The black dog days of wondering if you will recover the pain of a relationship ending do get less. In my case my heart has got less loud in telling me about its pain, disappointment and angst and my head has become loud and clear rationally telling me my romance ended for no other reason than it simply was not right.

Calling time on my relationship was a bit like reviving a budgie with brandy. I called time on the relationship and then in doing so it sparked lots of emotions. The emotions ranged from pain, to loss …..to finally where I am now, acceptance.

I ended the relationship primarily because all I was to my ex was the Thursday night/odd weekend/handsfree car telephone chat girl. At least that is how it felt. As much as I loved being with him, as much as I loved the intimacy, the laughter and all we had….well, it was’nt enough. Over and over he told me how he wanted to be more involved in my business and my life, I knew that openess did not extend to me. How could I consider a life with a bloke who could not give me a key to his house?. I am not a drinker or a smoker, being involved with my ex would have meant family parties would have involved both. I had been and seen enough parties with him to know my wish of leaving a social occasion with my man wanting to leave with me at the same time was never going to happen. I really do think I am better off alone rather than in a relationship where my man has two different behaviour: one for me, one for his family, one for his friends.

The bloke I got was tidy, did not smoke, went to bed at the same time I did. The bloke at home on his own is untidy, smoked and had a body clock that was up the creek.

I am wise enough to know that the expressions about leopards and spots rings true. The man is who he is. I know I could never live with a man who smokes. He had enough time to make the change if he wanted too. He did not want too. He did not give up the smokes. He made a choice on what was right for him, which is absolutely right. I made the choice on what was right for me. The reality is our wants and needs did not match….so it was right to end.

It does not change the fact that I loved the time I spent with him. I am so glad I met him. I must continue to be strong now. I must not dwell on this feeling of loss but concentrate on the fact I do have lots of social invites and opportunities. My life is for living. I want a life of action not reaction. I am not going to react to the thoughts of him loving another woman but act on being positive and get out and do things and go places.

Keep moving forwards. Don’t look back.

The end

mother — Wed, 19 May 2010 13:55:27 +0000

I was having a massive doubts about ending my relationship with my ex. The attraction, the way we could lapse so easily into conversation and I could not help but note all the effort he had made over making his house cleaner, more inviting to me a womanly mortal. And then.
And then things changed in one night.
I got invited out for dinner with his parents. His dad to me as an outsider came across as a really sweet man. Non the less he was a man who had to cope with the drunken, emotional outbursts of his 60 year old wife. I was an audience to her as well. I felt out of my depth and uncomfortable. On one level I could see his mother had got pissed as a defence mechanism against her shyness or as a way of masking her lack of confidence or insecurities. The reality was she was and is, most of the times I have met her a drunk. On one ocassion she has damaged my property, another time hurt herself by giving herself a black eye after falling down my stairs. Each time when she has been drunk what did start as a pleasant night ends up a nightmare as she becomes emotional and argumentative.
If I stayed with my ex every family party would be the same. I don’t want to be an audience to that.
I don’t want it for my children either.
It is over.

Moving on from kisses…

mother — Sat, 15 May 2010 08:18:42 +0000

Hummmn. What was I saying in that last post?. I was telling you about how I found my ex boyfriend attractive but I had deep concerns that longterm as a couple living with each other we were not compatible.

Oh dear.

I just wish sexually we were not matched either. It would make it a hell of a lot easier to walk away……

Friends with kisses.

mother — Sat, 08 May 2010 08:19:19 +0000

My ex met me on Thursday night. I think I have got used to be kept waiting. It was unexpected when he walked into my work at 8pm at the time we had agreed. At the time he walked in I was still at my desk.
My natural reaction when I saw him was to kiss him, but then I had all those teenage type uncertainties of what was right or wrong. My head was telling me we had both agreed to meet as friends, there were and are real reasons why we had called time on our relationship. The real reasons are not based on the everyday getting along and finding each other attractive, moreover bigger issues on what our expectations are in the longer term….and even the shorter term.
As time goes by I know deep down that I do not want anymore children. My time has to be spent buiding my business. One thing my divorce taught me is that financial security gives you freedom, I spent 10 years supporting my ex husband on his career path at the huge expense of my own earning ability and career progression. This means that inthe shorter term, I do need to put the hours in. In the longer term I will have a successful business.
As my ex said to me when he was with me, my business comes first and he comes second.
He needs to find a woman who is at a life stage where she can and will put him first, pop out some sproglets….

When that happens for him I will be so happy for him….but yes it will hurt.
It would hurt more to think I was in a relationship with him and was not able or ready to offer him what he wants and needs.
I know I can’t, but hell, I still want to kiss him

Thursday night and no word.

mother — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 18:37:16 +0000

Thursday night and no word from my ex. I am having one of those nights of pining for him. I keep pulling myself up and asking myself the huge question…’is it HIM you are missing..’ or just the fact that despite our longterm goals and wishes not matching we were still together. In being together there was a sense of support and belonging that has now gone. Vanished. I know, as I said in that first post much of our relationship was based on handsfree conversations whilst he was on his way someplace else, now that he is not part of my life I miss him. I miss the ….’hello beautiful’, the way we could lapse easily into conversation and it was so easy. I read someplace that this reaction to a breakup is normal. It is human nature to be wistful over something that has gone.
I imagine if a woman or bloke has been in a relationship that is negative to the point of destruction then it would be easy to walk away. My relationship with my ex was not destructive, it is just that it was’nt offering us both any longterm security.
We had a stupid game of cat and mouse. I wanted him, he could take me or leave me. I cooled off. He wanted me. I could take him or leave him. We never properly matched in terms of intensity for each other. As a result of that each of us at one time or another felt the other was too independant or selfish.
The sad thing is we both felt the same for each other in terms of emotional attachment….just not at the same time.

And now its gone. It is over.

It is not easy.

mother — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 14:13:24 +0000

You know what, despite the decision I made, knowing deep down it is the right one it does not mean that it it painfree. I have that huge feeling of loss. A sadness that something that, at some point I felt would offer my heart a home, my head plans for the future and my body someone to love for always is now just a memory in my head that hurts me.
I don’t regret any of the time we spent together, not one moment. I do feel a huge sense of sorrow and loss now its over.
If I wish he could have been different he was not right for me. I know he wished I was different: more high maintenance, high heel wearing, make up loving and not in such huge need of my early nights…and thats before I start on how different our hopes for the future were. He wanted children sooner rather than later, I just wanted time to raise my children and build my business. As much as we enjoyed each others company, if the long term expectations did not match how on earth could it have worked?