11.13.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 10:06 pm by mother
I got the call I had been half excited about and half dreading…’Hello, Yes it is Phillip the soliciter returning your call. Yes, in answer to your query, the completion is finished. You are now free to collect your keys from the estate agents. Good luck in your new life…”
I thanked him and told him I would be there at 2pm. I could have gone immediately. I did’nt. I jumped into my car and drove ages back to the old church near my parents house. The church is always locked, apart from a service 4 times a year, but I sat on the seat I used to as a child when I was scared. I felt cold, scared, lonely and a bit hopeless. I then started to cry. I used to sit on that seat imagining how my life would turn out. It was’nt in my plan to be sitting on the bench contemplating my new life as a single woman with two children at the age of 33. I did’nt feel I could take the three minute journey to my parents house for support. Over the past two weeks I have told two of my sisters of the separation, both have told me not to tell my parents. All that would happen is my parents would be concerned about what the church would say and would shout. A reaction like that is not only inappropriate but completely unhelpful.
Even though I have the keys to my house I don’t as yet have carpets, curtains or a stick of furniture. I can’t move in until at least a week. Tonight John has gone out for a meal and to the cinema. I feel so low. So low.
Tez has gone full circle. I am so aware that when I am in my own home he will not make an effort to see me. As I have always said, regardless of how long or little he was in my life I had so much fun with him. I did laugh more than cry, but ultimately he is a jack the lad. A lad. He is not a man. He is not responsible, mature or adequate enough to manage his depression and he will always reach out to negativity in the form of quick hits : women or drink. He never really gives anything of himself and is unable to have a proper stable relationship. I cannot be in a situation where I don’t feel safe and secure with my boyfriend. I spend more time feeling lost, confused than I did feeling loved. Whatever I did would have been wrong because he did’nt want a relationship with me, and it would have destroyed my esteem completely to be an audience to his negativity.
I am free of a boyfriend who told me clearly he did’nt want a relationship
I am free of a husband who did’nt want a wife
Adventures to follow……
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10.21.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 2:00 pm by mother
I feel sick. Very sick. I am not sure why. Half of me wonders if it is another symptom of stress. I have altered my walk to work because the smell of chip fat makes me heave…I know I should keep forcing myself to eat but each mouthful feels like hard work. I took myself out for pasta on my lunch break today and felt embarrassed I took ten minutes to eat one mouthful. The bloke who owns the cafe looked hurt at my lack of usual…’that was soooo delicious..’. I quickly left, eased my guilt by leaving a stupidly large tip and told him I was sorry but suddenly I felt sick. I had to leave.
On a day to day level I am doing everything I outlined in my last blog. I am keeping my head above water on an emotional level. Just. The only real sign of how stressed I am is this strong sickness that won’t leave me alone. On a work level I am working extra hard. I am determined not to crack and to breakdown when I am in my own house so I can unravel in privacy. I am post poning my breakdown for 6 weeks time. I have kept myself deliberately busy. My social calendar is so packed it is bursting and I am reaching out for people I love to be with.
I have seen Tez once a week for the past few weeks. I love the feeling of him holding me tightly as I drift off to sleep. I feel so safe , loved and secure. Tez has given up smoking and has joined the gym. It is not a heavy suffocating relationship. At this stage I need a boyfriend who is part of my life, not my whole life, someone who can kiss me and talk and make me laugh. Tez does all those things.
More than a man now, I need peppermint tea and ginger biscuits. Let this sickness leave me. Now. Please.
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10.16.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:01 pm by mother
I realise there are signs that I am flagging:
- I am aware I am keeping a stock of jokes on hand to wheedle out so that people laugh around me and I don’t have to go into the dangerous territory of real conversation and how I feel.
- I am there but not really there. Today I have sent texts to wrong people and have lost my house, car wallet and bikini bottoms.
- I am doing my work. My heart and head are not focussed. I am delivering on a basic level. A very basic level.
- I feel exhausted.
- I am not hungry.
What could happen if I don’t hang on in there
- Well if I don’t feel hungry and can’t eat I will fade on a physical level as well as emotional level.
- If my work is just being delivered on a basic level at some point I will be accountable to my professional body rather than just myself or my patients.
- If I feel exhausted I am not sparkly company and as much as it hurts I will not have choice to have time alone but will be.
- If I continue to lose keys, wallets and send texts to wrong people I will inconvenience and embarrass myself at a time I am already feeling fragile.
What I am going to do
- First thing obviously is not to be too hard on myself. I am facing two of lifes major upheavals: separation and moving house. It would be abnormal to sail through this emotional minefield unscathed.
- Accept I am slipping. Reign myself back in. I will do that by taking a day at a time. The general framework of eating, sport,work and childcare are the part of the contract I have to deliver. I will organise meals and activities with the children that are based around routine to give me a sense of structure and purpose.
- Accept my head is not tuned in. I will deal with that by consciously checking I have with me what I need. I will stop and take a few seconds to ensure my head matches my task.
- I will treat myself with kid gloves and write my way out of this limbo land, and take as much time as I can away from stressful situations.
- I will search out activities that make me feel better than worse: I know that comes in the form of writing, running reading and the gym.
- I know this limbo feeling will not last. It is a transitionary phase.
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10.15.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 5:59 pm by mother
Oh. Here I am again. It was a choice between being depressed,low and lonely or writing. I am writing. Since I last tuned in my choice to move on and move out has continued. All that is standing between me and my new status as a single woman is a signature, oh yes, that and a completed remortgage application.
On one level I think I should be really positive. The reality is I am just bloody exhausted. Mentally I have no reserve left. I am being selfish and just making excuses not to meet up with loads of people. I feel right now I need huge amounts of time alone. I am just seeking out tasks that I know I want and have to do. On an every day level I am using my time to mentally make myself strong. I am spending loads of time in the pool, ploughing up and down. I know when I am in the pool I can cncentrate on the mundane thing of how many strokes I can take to one breath and how many laps I can complete in half an hour. It helps.
I am finding I am feeling scared at the choice I am making, or should I write, have made. I am bloody scared. The fact is I have jumped. I made the choice. I am in midair at the moment, in limbo land just waiting to work out how I feel when I reach my physical landing spot. I seem to be surrounded by women who have opted to stay with men who are violent, mean and generally inconsiderate. My reason of …’Well my husband can’t kiss me..’ seems a bit lame. On lots of other levels John is fantastic person to live with.
I just keep having to be strong and learn to completely rely on myself emotionally and financially. I always have done….but now I know I am completely alone. It s just out in the open now. Mentally I am using all my reserves to accept and tell other people that I am no longer part of a couple. I no longer have the family. I am a new family. Me and my two children
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09.10.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 8:40 pm by mother
I am not really sure what happened. I spent a year covering the same ground chewing over the ‘Shall I stay, shall I go’ issue. My head bounced from that main issue to muddling over the logistics of living in a different house and the process I would go through to get there. My main concern was the effect a possible split would have on the children. Here I am facing the split. It is’nt traumatic for any of us, just hugely exciting.
The fact is BING!. My mind somehow got made up. I put the offer in on the house. I am now in that lovely place of concentrating on living in the future rather than trying to make the present into a wish. I am like a horse that has been trapped in a horsebox, the door opened and I have sprung out. There is not a hope of getting me back to where I was. Not a hope.
I don’t feel as if I need to pretend to be strong. I feel strong. Life is opening up with so many exciting opportunities…I am free now to follow them. I feel so happy.
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09.04.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 10:38 am by mother
Over the past year I think I have done all my emotional headwork. I have spent hours working out how I can move forwards. The only way I can move forwards is to break away from John. I need to move to a different house and start my different life. God must be giving me this bravery. I am calm. I am certain I am doing the right thing.
This morning I took my headlist of what I need from my new house and set off on a lone tour of the estate agents. My list goes like this:
- Top cash price of 250,000
- Detached
- Parking space
- Minimum 3 beds
- Walkable to my work and school.
I found a house that on paper ticks all the boxes. I know I don’t want John to be involved in my choice. It is my life and this is the first of many choices I am going to make without a husband. I have asked a friend who has good knowledge of estate agents and houses to accompany me on my viewing. Jackie is a friend who up until yesterday had no inkling as to me splitting from John, as will be the case of many people. I am not the sort of woman to sit and be negative. I tried with my whole heart to work things out. I can’t. My marriage is unfixable because really although we are great parents we are not lovers…and never can be. I know that can work for many people. I know too that is not right for me. I have done all the guilt and the denial and ..’oh how can I work out a way of being loved by a man but keeping the family together…’ I know how tacky it feels to be a married lover. A bit on the side. I refuse to be in a situation where the only hope I have of a man holding me is in adultery situation. If being a role model to the children is the most important part of my life then commiting adultery is not something I want them to aspire too. I want them to have the courage if they have tried everything, to move on if they are unhappy whether that is in a work situation or love.
Just as I am doing. I am using bravery, honesty and courage. My days of experiencing denial, lonliness and pain are over.
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09.03.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 3:47 pm by mother
I did it. I am not quite sure how. I just reached a point where I thought
‘I cannot continue. I cannot stay in this situation. I am married. I am living with my husband. My husband loves me. He does not want me for me. As a woman. He loves me as the mother of the children. He loves me as a friend. He cannot ever hold or kiss me. As much as I want to deny this need and to try and hold life together to keep the family, I can’t. Or if I did stay I would confine myself to sharing a bed with any man who would not completely commit to me..because I was someone elses wife.’
I dropped the children off at school and went for a long walk. I walked past the huge houses like mine. I walked to the smaller houses on the estate.
All I want is my freedom now. John can have the house and all thats in it. I don’t want a mansion. I can afford my own house. I am not hanging on waiting over the logistics over selling a house, dragging this limbo state on for years possibly. I am going to move out and buy a small house. In the end I am not sure how or why ,it was’nt like I made the decision. It was just a feeling inside. A feeling of knowing living with John in this pretence of being husband and wife when we are just friends and parents is longterm more than I can give.
I just want my freedom. I want to work with John to be good parents, and to be a good friend to him. I gave him my heart…I have given this situation huge headspace.
The time has come where I want my heart and head back. If I stay I am just covering the same old ground. Over. And over. And over. I want to live my life. I want to be free so at some point if I meet an honest, clean, kind hardworking balanced man who knows how to make me laugh and keep me happy and who wants to love me, I am truly free.
I have lost a big house. I have also lost the sham of a marriage I had. The main thing is my friendship with John is still there….and so now is my freedom.
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08.22.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 8:27 am by mother
I sat for a good 15 minutes yesterday watching Tez walking away from me. His back had four bruises just above his swimming trunks. It so obviously looked like he had been having sex with some woman with false nails. Or long nails that she sunk into his back in the peak of passion. Swimming with Tez is not such a good thing for my esteem. Last week it was the condom falling out of the bag. Yesterday it was watching him walk away with four bruises at the bottom of his back.
I sat for ages trying to think of how else that bruise formation could have got there. I could’nt come up with any other suggestion. There could not be any other easy explanation.
Try this take your left hand round to the right side of the bottom of your back. Dig your nails in there. The marks that are left. Just there. Yes. That was the very location. Four bruises. Now close your eyes and imagine how those bruises may have appeared. Did you get the same vision as me?. Bloke on top. Woman underneath. Woman holding man. Digging fingernails in…..oops. oh look. Just at THAT spot where Tez is so obviously marked.
I talked to Tez yesterday over dinner and casually said
…’You have four bruises at the bottom of your back…”
I did’nt say how my mind had been working and how I may have hopefully incorrectly guessed how they had got there. I was hoping he was going to say:
”…Ah yes. I have a ferret collection I must show you. The buggers keep biting me…’
Or given me some sort of rational explanation. No.
He said….’I have not even left the house over the past few weeks…”. I replied…’You probably don’t need to leave the house..”
The strong fingernailed woman probably visits him at his house.
A few sentences that he followed that up with was
…’You don’t have much luck with your blokes do you?..”
I disagreed.
Stephen, my university love of three years that never became sexual because he is is gay, is so important to me. I have so many happy memories and so many future happy times ahead. He will be in my life always. I love him.
John and I are can share our hearts and minds and we do have two beautiful healthy children. Since we have been together we have given each other a sense of home. Over the past ten years we have made time for each other and our children and have so many happy memories. Financially being together has been positive for both of us over the last ten years. The ending is coming but it is a natural progression where we are both slowly accepting we cannot give each other what we both need from a marriage: for me that means intimacy and to be held by the man I love. I love John too.
Tez offers me intimacy, friendship, family times and lots of laughter. I see so clearly a huge part of him wants the family and the woman together. On the days we have, and the nights we have we both offer that to each other. It is fragmented though. I know deep down that as much as Tez likes the idea of having me as his long term partner if that was reality and I was there saying”…Here I am, I love you. I am here for you always..” he would tell me
‘I value you. I like you. You are good with my kids. We have great times. Its not you. Its me. Its just that I don’t want a relationship..’
He has done that so many times before.
All said, Tez has as I have said so many times before given me sensuality and intimacy that I have never ever experienced before. He has shown me that I can express myself in a womanly way and feel so close. I know too, if the chips really were down I could call him up and he would be there for me. As I would be for him. He is what he is. At this moment he is doing what he wants and what is right for him. I lost the dream of happily ever after with him a while ago, but I do love the time I spend with him: as a friend, as a fellow parent or as a lover.
What will be, will be.
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08.19.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 7:08 pm by mother
Repeating the same mistake
And expecting a different result
Is the very definition of crazy.
You need an action plan
You need to make a decision.
Go cold turkey
And tell a friend
Or blog.
We are more likely to commit to a plan If we share it.
Write a message to yourself saying ‘Stay strong, turn off the internal bad chatterbox”.
Stay away from trying to be accepted by people who won’t or don’t like or want you.
Stay away from situations and experiences that bring you down.
Find a place to hideaway. A peaceful space. A little bit of the world that refreshes you and builds you up.
Take a different approach
Get a different result
And you will.
And you won’t go crazy.
You will be wiser.
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Posted in Uncategorized at 8:05 am by mother
In five minutes I will be running out of the door on my way to work. John has dropped the children off at their club. At times like this I really see the benefits of marriage and raising the children in a two parent household. The morning started. Both children were reluctant to go to the childcare club. John and I dealt with it together, whilst I prepared their lunches John sorted breakfast. It was lovely to have that feeling of help. Normally in term time John has left for work already and each morning I have to get them to recite spellings and read. Even just not having homework to check and plough through is a huge relief. Even the mad hunt for shoes is’nt half so bad with two parents.
I am feeling a bit low. In two weeks John is taking the children on holiday to his parents. I am not allowed to go because his parents don’t like me. It feels like I am being bullied. All this stuff of.”..She is not allowed to come..” is the stuff that should have been left behind at primary school. I fully understand that John and the kids may want time with the grandparents without me….but. Oh I don’t know. It is this feeling of never having a choice again. The same way I could cope with being married if it meant SOMETIMES John may share a bed with me. I don’t have that hope. I don’t have a hope of John’s parents ever accepting me.
I said to John…’Why can’t we all go down together,we can stay in a cottage and you and the kids can visit your parents…”. It appears I am not even allowed to set foot on Welsh soil,even if I do keep myself hidden.
The only way I can deal with this is to keep busy. I am trying to shut my negative internal chattebox which is telling me I must be some sort of embarrassment that is plain wrong for polite company. I keep telling myself my in laws are not polite company, they are plain rude. It hurts so much that John is almost condoning their behaviour by being negative towards me by going back.
At times like this I do feel like I am just the breeder. A breeder that has provided John and his parents with children. Now that my job is done I am no longer required. Or wanted.
I am thinking so much about Tez. I feel so grateful he came into my life as a lover. If it was’nt fo him I would never have been kissed. Or held whilst I slept….or experienced those lovely feelings of really wanting someone and for that to be the same for him too. It is over now. He is a friend. It came to a natural conclusion. I don’t regret it….and am so glad I went with how I felt at the time rather than saying “..No…”. Each time I think of him I smile.
I am keeping busy. Very busy so I don’t have time to think too much and am filling my hours with positive tasks that give me something worthhile to focus on.
Like work. Must go.
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