06.02.09

Almost midnight.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:34 pm by mother

Normally when the clock hits 11pm I have this strong need to lie down and sleep. Tonight is different.  I just want to write aimlessly about everything and, at the same time nothing in particular.

As usual I am pondering on life. My life.

The impact my divorce has had on my parents is interesting.  My mum has chosen not to acknowledge my new marital status(almost divorced, )status or my new address.  Dad , on the other hand, phones me shrouded in great secrecy to offer whispered words of support like

“I am here for you, but keep it from your Mum, she is finding things hard”.

At times like that I want to shout…”For goodness sake, this is no great drama, its a civilised divorce’.

Mum shows her disaproval by signing her birthday card to me with…’From”, no love or words of affection with a distinct absence of kisses.

A wise person once said…’You cannot control other peoples behaviour, only your reaction to it…’

That sentence has become a mantra.

 

05.10.09

Bloody yonks later.

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:22 pm by mother

It has been an absolute age since I last sat down and tapped away.  Time has flown.  Ah, so what is news since I last sat down?.

On so many levels life has changed dramatically.  The house I moved into now feels like home.  A home.  A space I can relax,entertain, sleep, eat, live, laugh, think and generally just behave and make decisions that feel right for me and the children.  Admittedly there have been absolute low moments.  The low moments seemed to be clustered together at the start. The day when my boiler packed up and I was here without the children feeling lost, cold and too emotional to even make a cup of tea are etched in my head.  It was a moment when reality hit.  The old cosy but unloving environment I had got used to but hated had gone.  Although I knew I had made the right choice, the grief I had over the lost of my family unit, even though it was totally mechanical and functional was huge.

My relationship with Mark, Mr Christmas Party guy has slowly developed.  The lesson I learned from my past marriage is how important sexual chemistry and attraction is when selecting a future partner.  As much as the sexual attraction so many other components need to be compatible: sense of humour, the ability to respect, to listen, to compromise, to simply enjoy each others company and to be able to communicate. I think I have found so many of those vital aspects that turn a relationship into something that could be long term.  As wise as I am with my little bit of life experience, I know that I can never hope that something will turn good if it feels wrong from the onset.  I could never live with a smoker, heavy drinker or someone that keeps hugely different time zones to me….even if I was hugely sexually attracted and enjoyed his company.  I know now the little things that don’t matter too much at the start but ultimately the little things become the big things.  The big irritations.  The massive hurdles that reoccur and wear away at tolerance and encourages negativity in a relationship.

I am old enough to know it has to be right naturally.  It can’t be forced.  If it is forced it is an act…..and ultimately reality will kick in at some point.

02.06.09

Hello friends!.

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:54 pm by mother

Hello.  I am sorry I have been out of contact these last few months.  I don’t, as yet, have an internet connection at my house.  I write this from the library with a smelly man fro the hills coughing behind me reminding me I only have 5 minutes.

All is lovely.  The children are happy.  Mark is turning out to be a happy mixture of a friend ad a lover.  John is happy to be the ex husband, knowing that he never really loved me as a wife only as the mother of his children.  Tez.  Tez is Tez. His life continues in that chaotic way I outlined in this blog. I am now with a man who definately wants to be with me.  Although the future holds no promises I know I enjoy being in Mark’s company and I feel the relationship I have could have all the ingredients of a very long, very happy time next to him.

I can really see my dream of having a man to love me completely, for me to love him in the same way and to enjoy the fun and the adventure of family when the time is right….well, it is no longer a dream.  I can see it could be a reality.

When the time is right.

12.06.08

Christmas party.

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:43 pm by mother

There I was running around my kitchen trying to put my size 8 feet into my cosy warm tights and chop the oxfam label out of my sparkly cardie when the front door bell rang.  It was a neighbour from two doors down.  Tracey took one look at me and said….

Oh love!.  You need to glam it up.  Let me run to my house, I will be back in a second”.

My friend returned with a big bag of bling.  Half an hour later I was transformed into a human womanly sparkle. My nails were painted,diamond clips had been put in my hair and my eyes had had anorexic centipedes stuck on them for thickness. It was such a fun girlie hour and by the end of it I looked like me ,only sparkly and happy wearing fishnets and high heels rather than thermals and comfy cosy boots.

My evening got even better.  My eyes locked with a gorgeous bloke with beautiful teeth, sparkly eyes and a sexy happy smile and we danced all night. We talked.  His name is Mark, he fixes airplanes for a living.  He asked for my number, and told me he wanted to meet up with me and see me again.  We had a goodnight kiss and my heart melted. As I went to the loo my receptionist confirmed to him I was going through a divorce and was a mother to two children a podiatrist and lived in the next town to him.

I am not sure that he will phone me.  I hope so much he does, but if not he gave me so much last night: fun, laughter, passion and happiness.  Even if he does not call me, he made my night so special and I had a wonderful time.

I told John I had met someone who made me feel special last night.  He told me not to be sad if he did’nt call.

I was’nt sure what John meant by that.  I tried not to dwell on the thought that John hinted I was’nt worth calling but concentrated on thinking about the lovely evening I’d had.

At this moment.  At every moment in fact, I need to be as positive as possible.

If he does not call it was not meant to be.  If he does call it might be the start of a beautiful friendship.

11.13.08

Here I am.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:06 pm by mother

I got the call I had been half excited about and half dreading…’Hello, Yes it is Phillip the soliciter returning your call.  Yes, in answer to your query, the completion is finished.  You are now free to collect your keys from the estate agents.  Good luck in your new life…”

I thanked him and told him I would be there at 2pm.  I could have gone immediately.  I did’nt. I jumped into my car and drove ages back to the old church near my parents house.  The church is always locked, apart from a service 4 times a year, but I sat on the seat I used to as a child when I was scared.  I felt cold, scared, lonely and a bit hopeless.  I then started to cry.  I used to sit on that seat imagining how my life would turn out.  It was’nt in my plan to be sitting on the bench contemplating my new life as a single woman with two children at the age of 33. I did’nt feel I could take the three minute journey to my parents house for support.  Over the past two weeks I have told two of my sisters of the separation, both have told me not to tell my parents.  All that would happen is my parents would be concerned about what the church would say and would shout.  A reaction like that is not only inappropriate but completely unhelpful.

Even though I have the keys to my house I don’t as yet have carpets, curtains or a stick of furniture.  I can’t move in until at least a week. Tonight John has gone out for a meal and to the cinema.  I feel so low.  So low. 

Tez has gone full circle.  I am so aware that when I am in my own home he will not make an effort to see me.  As I have always said, regardless of how long or little he was in my life I had so much fun with him.  I did laugh more than cry, but ultimately he is a jack the lad.  A lad.  He is not a man.  He is not responsible, mature or adequate enough to manage his depression and he will always reach out to negativity in the form of quick hits : women or drink.  He never really gives anything of himself and is unable to have a proper stable relationship.  I cannot be in a situation where I don’t feel safe and secure with my boyfriend.  I spend more time feeling lost, confused than I did feeling loved.  Whatever I did would have been wrong because he did’nt want a relationship with me, and it would have destroyed my esteem completely to be an audience to his negativity.

I am free of a boyfriend who told me clearly he did’nt want a relationship

I am free of a husband who did’nt want a wife

Adventures to follow……

 

10.21.08

Peppermint tea and ginger biscuits.

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:00 pm by mother

I feel sick.  Very sick.  I am not sure why.  Half of me wonders if it is another symptom of stress.  I have altered my walk to work because the smell of chip fat makes me heave…I know I should keep forcing myself to eat but each mouthful feels like hard work.  I took myself out for pasta on my lunch break today and felt embarrassed I took ten minutes to eat one mouthful.  The bloke who owns the cafe looked hurt at my lack of usual…’that was soooo delicious..’. I quickly left, eased my guilt by leaving a stupidly large tip and told him I was sorry but suddenly I felt sick.  I had to leave.

On a day to day level I am doing everything I outlined in my last blog.  I am keeping my head above water on an emotional level.  Just.  The only real sign of how stressed I am is this strong sickness that won’t leave me alone.  On a work level I am working extra hard.  I am determined not to crack and to breakdown when I am in my own house so I can unravel in privacy.  I am post poning my breakdown for 6 weeks time. I have kept myself deliberately busy.  My social calendar is so packed it is bursting and I am reaching out for people I love to be with.

I have seen Tez once a week for the past few weeks.  I love the feeling of him holding me tightly as I drift off to sleep.  I feel so safe , loved and secure.  Tez has given up smoking and has joined the gym. It is not a heavy suffocating relationship. At this stage I need a boyfriend who is part of my life, not my whole life, someone who can kiss me and talk and make me laugh. Tez does all those things.

More than a man now, I need peppermint tea and ginger biscuits.  Let this sickness leave me.  Now.  Please.

10.16.08

Mental shutdown.

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:01 pm by mother

I realise there are signs that I am flagging:

  • I am aware I am keeping a stock of jokes on hand to wheedle out so that people laugh around me and I don’t have to go into the dangerous territory of real conversation and how I feel.
  • I am there but not really there.  Today I have sent texts to wrong people and have lost my house, car wallet and bikini bottoms.
  • I am doing my work.  My heart and head are not focussed.  I am delivering on a basic level.  A very basic level.
  • I feel exhausted.
  • I am not hungry.

What could happen if I don’t hang on in there

  • Well if I don’t feel hungry and can’t eat I will fade on a physical level as well as emotional level.
  • If my work is just being delivered on a basic level at some point I will be accountable to my professional body rather than just myself or my patients.
  • If I feel exhausted I am not sparkly company and as much as it hurts I will not have choice to have time alone but will be.
  • If I continue to lose keys, wallets and send texts to wrong people I will inconvenience and embarrass myself at a time I am already feeling fragile.

What I am going to do

  • First thing obviously is not to be too hard on myself.  I am facing two of lifes major upheavals: separation and moving house. It would be abnormal to sail through this emotional minefield unscathed.
  • Accept I am slipping.  Reign myself back in.  I will do that by taking a day at a time.  The general framework of eating, sport,work and childcare are the part of the contract I have to deliver.  I will organise meals and activities with the children that are based around routine to give me a sense of structure and purpose.
  • Accept my head is not tuned in.  I will deal with that by consciously checking I have with me what I need.  I will stop and take a few seconds to ensure my head matches my task.
  • I will treat myself with kid gloves and write my way out of this limbo land, and take as much time as I can away from stressful situations.
  • I will search out activities that make me feel better than worse: I know that comes in the form of writing, running  reading and the gym.
  • I know this limbo feeling will not last.  It is a transitionary phase.

10.15.08

Life. Again.

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:59 pm by mother

Oh.  Here I am again.  It was a choice between being depressed,low and lonely or writing.  I am writing.  Since I last tuned in my choice to move on and move out has continued.  All that is standing between me and my new status as a single woman is a signature, oh yes, that and a completed remortgage application.

On one level I think I should be really positive.  The reality is I am just bloody exhausted.  Mentally I have no reserve left.  I am being selfish and just making excuses not to meet up with loads of people. I feel right now I need huge amounts of time alone. I am just seeking out tasks that I know I want and have to do.  On an every day level I am using my time to mentally make myself strong.  I am spending loads of time in the pool, ploughing up and down.  I know when I am in the pool I can cncentrate on the mundane thing of how many strokes I can take to one breath and how many laps I can complete in half an hour. It helps.

I am finding I am feeling scared at the choice I am making, or should I write, have made.  I am bloody scared.  The fact is I have jumped.  I made the choice.  I am in midair at the moment, in limbo land just waiting to work out how I feel when I reach my physical landing spot.  I seem to be surrounded by women who have opted to stay with men who are violent, mean and generally inconsiderate.  My reason of …’Well my husband can’t kiss me..’ seems a bit lame.  On lots of other levels John is fantastic person to live with.

I just keep having to be strong and learn to completely rely on myself emotionally and financially.  I always have done….but now I know I am completely alone. It s just out in the open now.  Mentally I am using all my reserves to accept and tell other people that I am no longer part of a couple.  I no longer have the family.  I am a new family.  Me and my two children

09.10.08

Go girl.

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:40 pm by mother

I am not really sure what happened.  I spent a year covering the same ground chewing over the ‘Shall I stay, shall I go’ issue.  My head bounced from that main issue to muddling over the logistics of living in a different house and the process I would go through to get there. My main concern was the effect a possible split would have on the children.  Here I am facing the split.  It is’nt traumatic for any of us, just hugely exciting.

The fact is BING!.  My mind somehow got made up.  I put the offer in on the house.  I am now in that lovely place of concentrating on living in the future rather than trying to make the present into a wish.   I am like a horse that has been trapped in a horsebox, the door opened and I have sprung out.  There is not a hope of getting me back to where I was.  Not a hope.

I don’t feel as if I need to pretend to be strong.  I feel strong.  Life is opening up with so many exciting opportunities…I am free now to follow them.  I feel so happy.

09.04.08

House hunting.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:38 am by mother

Over the past year I think I have done all my emotional headwork.  I have spent hours working out how I can move forwards.  The only way I can move forwards is to break away from John.  I need to move to a different house and start my different life.  God must be giving me this bravery.  I am calm.  I am certain I am doing the right thing. 

This morning I took my headlist of what I need from my new house and set off on a lone tour of the estate agents.  My list goes like this:

  • Top cash price of 250,000
  • Detached
  • Parking space
  • Minimum 3 beds
  • Walkable to my work and school.

I found a house that on paper ticks all the boxes.  I know I don’t want John to be involved in my choice.  It is my life and this is the first of many choices I am going to make without a husband.  I have asked a friend who has good knowledge of estate agents and houses to accompany me on my viewing.  Jackie is a friend who up until yesterday had no inkling as to me splitting from John, as will be the case of many people.  I am not the sort of woman to sit and be negative.  I tried with my whole heart to work things out.  I can’t.  My marriage is unfixable because really although we are great parents we are not lovers…and never can be. I know that can work for many people.  I know too that is not right for me. I have done all the guilt and the denial and ..’oh how can I work out a way of being loved by a man but keeping the family together…’ I know how tacky it feels to be a married lover.  A bit on the side. I refuse to be in a situation where the only hope I have of a man holding me is in adultery situation.  If being a role model to the children is the most important part of my life then commiting adultery is not something I want them to aspire too. I want them to have the courage if they have tried everything, to move on if they are unhappy whether that is in a work situation or love.

Just as I am doing. I am using bravery, honesty and courage.  My days of experiencing denial, lonliness and pain are over.

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