Hard times.
This is painful. It feels as if my heart has been soaked in drain clearer and then jumped on a few times. I am facing up to the reality of ending a relationship.
I am getting through it by constantly reminding myself of why it could never have worked.
How could I have really continued in a relationship with a man I made uncomfortable at the thoughts of dropping by and sharing his home and space. It felt so wrong that his mother called herself my mother in law. The title of mother in law implied I was family. How could I be his family, his longterm partner, his future if he did’nt want me to share his home?.
Would he ever had wanted me to share HIS house?. Deep down I know the answer. It is a resounding no. He would always have shared my home and space but always retained his own as his own. What was his was his, what was mine was his. He was so bloody concerned with not being taken for an emotional/financial ride he did a bloody good job of staying independant. Too independant to be dependant, to completely give it all, share it all with me and allow me to be more than a date. I felt I was never going to progress into being able to lean on him if I should need too, to be loved and supported without feeling I was invading his life and time without invitation.
Do I want a compartmentalised relationship with a guy I see infrequently, for dates, weekends and the most time I spend with him is on holiday?.
No. My dream is still the same as it always was, to share my life,home and heart with a man who is capable and who wants me alongside him on this adventure of life naturally….and who treats me with real love and respect.
Although he told me that is what he wanted, his actions contradicted it…so many times.